juz came back from dinner with vic.. after talking to him, i feel so much better.. and i had my beer too.. heehee.. dun worry.. we'll still go, nad... :)

i have decided on a few things.. and i am gonna stick to it. i think it's best for all of us.. so ya..

anyway.. happy deepavali and hari raya puasa pple.. enjoy ur hard earned hols.. *muacks*

i know it might seem as though it's a damn retarded thing to do.. but i can't take it anymore.. i thought i could. but i was so freaking wrong. i wanna leave here soon.. i wanna run away.. i really hope to get the job i wan now.. i dun wanna feel pain or see pain anymore.. i can't deal with it. it's harder than i thought it might be. why is it like this? i dunno. what makes this guy special? i dun know. all i know is that i dun wish to see this guy anymore. until i'm sure that i dun feel anything towards him anymore. i feel guilt towards this guy too.. coz i feel as though i owe him so much until it's suffocating me.

i can't help liking him, at the same time, i can't help hating him for making me feel this way. why do u have to torture me like this? why do u have to choose someone else who is equally impt in my life to torture me? thank u very much..

all i can say is.. can someone have a drinking session with me? i need beer badly. very badly..

juz came back from a lovely nite with fi, jon, mich n jiahao.. as usual.. jiahao was very quiet but his presence was felt.. lol..

after a wonderful time with von, cinz n fen, i went to meet fi n jon to have dinner together.. ate at some chong pang nasi lemak place. then went off to nite safari to meet mich n jiahao...

while waiting for them, we had BEN & JERRY's ice cream.. it was really really good.. mich n jiahao came late la.. in the end, we didn't go to nite safari at all.. we went to punggol park to have drinks instead.. haha.. had ice wine n champagne.. and had fun talking abt olden times n all...

Thank u jon for paying for everything tonight n driving fi n me home n all... one day, we treat u instead k? i feel really bad that u have to keep treating us.. feel abit weird..

today was a great day! :) go out again soon k? *yawn* tired already.. shall slp soon.. :)

yay!

going to night safari today.. haha.. but first i'll be meeting cinz and fen for lunch at cineleisure first.. then hang out until 7 plus to meet fi.. after that, fi n i will had to chomp chomp for dinner with jon.. then we'll meet shal n mich at e night safari.. haha.. it sounds like a meeting day too..

can't wait to meet the rest.. have alot of things to tell them...

my lobbies are so cute, by the way.. the blue lob has shed his shell.. and grew slightly bigger.. and my red one to date, has shed 3 times.. and he grew so big compared to him when i first bought him.. haha.. and he's no longer all red.. kinda ugly now.. haha.. maybe that's why he kept hiding in e tank. i wish i could hug them..hahaha.. crazy me..

Darkness

noone will ever know how much i'm scared of darkness..

when the nite falls.. lying on my bed.. when everything becomes quiet.. and i can't slp.. my real self will tend to come out.. how i hate the real me.. the vulnerable me.. one who can't get back to slp when she has a nightmare, has to reply on someone to keep her company while she falls back to slp.. and when there's no one? she has to cry herself to slp... i really hate that side of me..

that's not the only reason..

darkness has let me see the ugly side of my parents over the yrs.. scares the shit out of me.. memories that i wish i could erase from my head forever..

if only i could...

the past few weeks haven't been a nice trip for me until the grad ceremony.. but things are still abit sour bet. a fren and me..

said some stuffs in a fit of anger that i know he'll never forget coz he's a person who remembers everything.. but i am grateful that he's now willing to talk a little to me on msn, though not in sch..

i admit that my temper gets carried away sometimes.. and sometimes, i say some stuffs that i wished i processed it in my head before i said it..

is it too late to say that i'm sorry.. or the chance has passed already? i guess i'll never know..

hey peeps..

juz ended my week with my thingy coming after so long.. lol.. 3 mths, u know! hahaha.. dun mean to gross u guys out but u guys should celebrate with me since mythingy is irregular.. lol..

on wed, it was my grad ceremony.. it was alot of fun as i saw alot of pple that i haven't seen in ages from all kinds of courses.. my chef frenz, tourism frens.. and my course frens.. haha.. it was cool.. saw light sabre jonathan, breadtalk, and someone i thot i would never see for the rest of my life..

i was kinda shocked to see him coz he looked quite different.. kept staring at him coz i wanted to say hi to him.. but didn't have the chance coz he kept on talking to alot of pple..

i only managed to see him after the ceremony.. at the tea reception.. :) he was all cool and calm when he saw me.. lol.. he asked me for my number n i gave it..

hey.. i juz realised that i wrote it as though i used to like him.. nah... it's the opposite.. he used to scare me off as he always looked at me with his big brown eyes... watching my every move.

he msged me that nite.. said alot of things.. will show u guys when i see u..

i really dunno.. rejected him once.. should i do tat again?

IJ

IJ is like a home to me.. i've been there since i was Pri 1, had alot of different kinds of experiences that can fill my whole life with. the most impt thing is that IJ gave me a sheltered life until i left IJ. i never had to worry abt anything.. everything was being taken care of.

when i left IJ, it was as though i had lost something that was irreplaceable.. i was insecure.

pple who are not in IJ or the same sch will never feel the same way as i feel.. coz u'll never understand what i mean..

sometimes, there are IJ girls who are anti-IJ.. then i dun expect them to feel the same way as me too..

maybe that's why u dunno why i am being so defensive over IJ.. but think abt it, if someone insulted ur family, how would u feel?

u may think i may be ridiculous, but this is how i feel.

ur girl may not feel as much as i do for IJ, but that doesn't mean that u can go ahead n insult.. i know that i am a nobody to u, maybe u dun even see me as a fren. but as long as i am a human being, i do have feelings, dignity and respect for others. i respect IJ.

i didn't beg any of u to choose IJ, u guys chose it urself.. but when the teacher-in-charge is a bitch.. out of the sudden, IJ sucks. why is it like this?

i know u have ur own comments but if u see me as a fren or even a human being, i think it's right to respect me and keep ur comments to urself, esp after u know that i feel so much for IJ.

U've hurt me deeply... even if i've hurt u before.. u've hurt me back 100 times more..

i treat u as a fren.. even as my best guy fren.. but in the end.. it wasn't both ways since u dun see me as a fren.

juz finished clearing my untidy cupboard.. and i realised that i have alot of things that dun belong to me.. hahaha... i have:

- victor's transcript
- sang eun's conrad contract
- elaine's conrad contract
- nana's note from her fren
- chris's notepad
- siti's assignment

oh man.. i'm a keeper.. lol.. hahah.. it's funny to find so many things that dun belong to me.. haha
msg vic to tell him that i have his transcript.. haha.. got a scolding from him.. hahaha.. it's fun to clear out ur stuffs after a long while.. can find alot of "treasures".. :)

i'm home again today.. mum didn't let me go to sch coz i didn't slp the whole nite.. was coughing the whole time..

watched some documentary on channel newsasia yesterday.. talking abt what happens to the community after the town in turkey was affected by the earthquake.. was quite sad after watching the documentary.. but there was this minister of turkey who said something that i thought was very true..

he said.. before the earthquake striked.. the whole town was living individually, without caring about their neighbours or their fellow towners. only after the earthquake, did they realize the importance of community unity and they found their sense of community responsibilties and commitments. and though it was devastating to see so many pple dying.. but good and positive outcomes has produced coz of it.

i think that's really touching.. it made me wished that S'pore would have some natural disaster too so that we will learn how to bond and care for one another. i dun even mind dying if there is some positive outcomes to it.

i have done some soul searching for the past few days. i dunno why i let some pple put me down. i really dun understand. i never did bother much if i hurt someone's feelings coz i know in the end, everything will be fine.. but why now, it has become like this? what's happening to me? since when did i care what other pple think of me.. the "old" me won't even be bothered whether pple think that i'm useless coz i dunno how to swim, cycle, play games or even blade. now, come to think of it.. so what? doesn't mean that i dunno how to enjoy life. life is what u wan it to be. i could learn how to do all those things.. i dun think there's an age limit to learning.. it's whether i wanna learn or not.

being sick for so many days and missing sch makes me sad coz it makes me think back to sec 3 when everyone got angry with me coz of the class prefect thingy and the gastric virus shit..

and i juz wanna let my grp members know.. though i'm sick, i know my responsibilties and what i'm supposed to do and when i'm supposed to really turn up for sch. doesn't mean that i'll forget my duties once i'm sick.

i wonder what's wrong with me lately.. is it coz i stopped doing something already.. i'm now highly irritated and easily put into a bad mood.. disgusted with myself. but i can't stop behaving like this...

can't take this shit anymore..

today is my 2nd day in sch.. but i met the rest of my grp members for the shavilla outing on wednesday..

it was fun coz i haven't seen them for 5 days.. miss them like shit.. haha.. n i think cinz missed me too much coz almost the whole day, i was the butt of her stupid jokes.. -_-'''

kev had to meet steph after the shooting, so terence, fen, cinz n i head down to coffee club (where siow chin works), where we saw fen's indian waiter admirer.. haha..

then von n andrew joined us.. we had loads of fun together.. it was a fun day. wished kev joined us as well.. BUT i dun blame him.. hee hee.. coz steph is more impt n she's my darling junior.. heehee..

i'm still coughing.. but it's getting better.. bought new court shoes.. i love it.. but it's killing my feet.. damnit.. having blisters everywhere.. damn pain.. but for the sake of vanity... hmmm.. haha..

will be having my graduation next week.. can see my ex-classmates again! can't wait.. yay! haha..

damn tired now.. maybe i should go back to bed...

went to aunty kit's clinic to check what;s wrong with me...

turned out that i'm having a sinus attack.... it'll affect me on n off for the rest of my life but at least now i know how to treat it.. :)

still feeling the same but i dunno.. maybe i'll be better later in the week or something.. i hope i can recover fast.. i'm sick n tired of coughing...

these few days, it has been quiet at my hse... coz..

i'm sick.. haha.. i'm having cough n i'm suspected of having dengue.. gonna go for a blood test tmw.. wish me luck..

i can't talk coz the moment i open my mouth, i can't stop coughing.. i've been coughing for the past 2 days until my lungs hurts.. and i can't breathe well.. haven't been slping well too.. i'm tired of coughing... T-T

i miss my class.. i can't skip anymore lessons.. heard from andrew how much hw n notes ms ang has given us.. i'm scared.. coz i won't be able to hit the GPA of 2 (minimum) if i continue being at home.. hopefully, everything will be fine..